Why did you make this show?
So! This all began from my excitement and confusion as I learned more about adult ADHD and my particular corner of neurodiversity and the fears and anxieties that govern my existence. A few years ago I was at a social mixer in a pub in Soho for lonely young people that ended for me, as things often do, in tears. I was sitting with someone, having a conversation, when he said he had to get a glass of water from the bar and that I should ‘wait right there’ as ‘he’d be right back.’ When he re-emerged, he went and sat at the opposite end of the table from me. And my brain just melted down, I went out crying into the street, cursing myself for having such an outlandish reaction to what was essentially nothing at all. I called my autistic friend and explained to her that I was pretty sure I was dying (as the result of a minor social rebuff from a complete stranger) and she told me to look up Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. So I did, and in doing so read a lengthy WebMD article about my entire personality. ‘Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria’ summed me up as an entity – everything about the way I experience the world in three words. It was an awakening, and a heartbreaking one at that. So I wanted to talk about it, and in the end this show is what I have to say.
‘River Time’ as a phrase is an old joke between friends of mine that every time I see a river I think about jumping in (as every woman does crave the cold sanctuary of dark waters). I went to university in Edinburgh and used to go out on the town like 3-4 nights a week, end up feeling rejected in some form or another (somebody I liked would look at me wrong, my friend would say I looked weird dancing) and I would calm myself down by walking all the way up the Water of Leith to the sea in the middle of the night. Taking literal river time was my best and only tool for emotional regulation. ‘River Time’ became shorthand for an RSD meltdown – an episode of extreme emotional pain brought on by the experience of rejection. A desire to leap into cleansing waters, to go the way of Ophelia or perhaps even Virginia Woolf. So I started writing about these two women, one fictional, one real – one at the periphery of a story and the other the author of many, and in doing so I started to write about myself… and the kind of worldview I’ve stumbled into, that you are either an Ophelia or a Virginia – you are either object, or author. And either way, you’re going to end up in the river. What becomes of the madwoman who is neither a success nor a beautiful corpse? It ended up getting darker as I wrote it… and I now realise that more than anything this is a show about shame, and the ways it staves off hope.
What is the part of the show you’re most proud of?
I’m proud of myself I suppose for writing and producing the piece, it’s been a lot of hard work to develop and hard emotional work as well. I think this show has a specific kind of honesty and vulnerability that will resonate with people, and take them along on a concise yet profound emotional journey into the very essence of rejection.
As a disabled practitioner, what do you want to see change at The Edinburgh Fringe?
The Fringe, to me, feels like such a psychologically (or emotionally) hostile environment that it’s hard for me to imagine what could be changed that would make me feel less scared of it. I did go to the neurodiverse quiet hour last year at Meet the Media and that was a nice experience. While I can’t really think what could even be done for my sake, I will say that Edinburgh is an inaccessible medieval fortress and for people with mobility issues it’s basically an entire no-go. A friend of mine, who wanted to help flyer for my show, learned that it was at the top of the Royal Mile and said ‘I’ll just have to tell other people to go and see it from the bottom of the hill.’ We can’t change the fundamental architecture of Edinburgh but it’s something to be aware of, how inherently exclusive it is when most shows are in vaults down narrow stairs or basement bars or at the top of a big old hill.
Why should we come and see the show?
If you like poetry, if you like stuff that is weird and wordy, if you’ve ever felt lonely or mad or trapped in your own mind – me too, and I’ve written something about it.
River Time! opens at Greenside @ Riddles Court from 2nd August
