Our 2023 Bounce Award Winner shares a personal story ahead of her show’s return to the Edinburgh Fringe.
In the Underbelly courtyard I was pitching my show to a potential audience member. What was usually a sentence or two followed by a “thank you, I’ll see if I can check it out” was going on four minutes answering several oddly specific questions. I thought to myself “what is she getting at here?” Then she said the words I have never forgotten, “why did you fly all the way across the atlantic ocean to ask for sympathy from strangers?”
I was shocked, frozen, but mostly, very sad. I can’t remember what I said to quickly leave the interaction, but I got on the bus to head back to my flat. I was decidedly done for the day.
Disabled artists do not make art to elicit sympathy from others, disabled artists make art to elicit understanding from others. Society’s perception of NDV’s (non-visible disabilities) like SMI’s (Serious Mental Illnesses) is stigmatized. This stigma creates a misunderstanding of what people with SMI’s are actually like (i.e. psychotic shouldn’t be a negative insult, it’s a symptom that a lot of us have experienced). Disabled artists share their story to be understood by society, so whomever will experience what they had hopefully won’t feel as awful about it. I wish I could turn back time and have nineteen year old me see my show.
When presenting bipolar in a piece of theater, I think the most important audience members to take into consideration are those who have SMI’s, or as someone described to me “my fellow bouncing brain buddies”. I have come to learn that it is crucial to not say that my experience is “what it’s like” because everyone’s is different.
I have bipolar II disorder, which is different from bipolar I disorder in that there is hypo mania which is not full blown mania, but the periods of depression are longer. I like to think of it as two wavelengths with a line in the middle and bipolar I having larger peaks and smaller lows and bipolar II having smaller peaks and larger lows.
My experiences with psychosis, suicidal ideations, medications, hypo-manic periods, and scary situations my condition has put me in are not the same as others; and it is very important that I don’t tell an entire audience that they are. It is a difficult illness to maintain, and something so close to all our hearts, so sensitivity is imperative.
If the woman who asked me in the Underbelly courtyard why I flew across the Atlantic “to ask for sympathy from strangers” reads this article, I would like to invite you to my show. I’ll give you a comp ticket. Maybe we can even hang out after. I didn’t take it personally that you didn’t understand. My greatest hope is that my piece makes even a little progress with de-stigmatising this gravely misunderstood illness. And maybe ten years from now in the Underbelly courtyard, no one will ask that question.
