The old adage ‘children should be seen and not heard’, is a death sentence. So much pain and anguish comes from ignoring your kids. As a child, my needs, interests and self-expression were regularly and purposefully ignored. It was the knee-jerk reaction of my family to anyone displaying emotion. Added to which there was a hierarchy of whose needs mattered based on arbitrary criteria.
Being an undiagnosed autistic child from an undiagnosed neurodivergent family; with the rife mental-health issues that arise from not understanding our different neurology, led to a powder keg of fucked-upness. The litany of alcohol-related deaths, psychiatric unit stays, and abusive relationships are testament to that. Within this I tried to flourish. I was a creative child, who liked to joke and play; I was also intensely serious and anxious – needing reassurance and to be acknowledged.
Unfortunately, acknowledgement and validation were hard to come by. If you were lucky your panic attacks were turned into mocking anecdotes. My maternal grandfather weaponised ignoring people and turned it into an art. There was also this air of ‘your opinion simply does not matter’, and any attempt at reasonable debate ended up with people shouting over each other.
Recently I’ve been reading about attachment theory, and it would be obvious to say that our family has an ‘avoidant’ attachment style. Anything that can be put off will be put off.
But avoidant behaviour such as this is so dangerous, it’s led to so much strife in my family and in my adult life. My sister was in an abusive relationship for years, and as a 14-year-old, I was the only one who questioned this, which met with anger and condemnation toward me. I think that’s the hardest thing to deal with, that you are desperate to help others and call something out, to begin a process, only to be told you are the problem.
A childhood and adolescence of gaslighting can make you uncertain of yourself. Oddly, my strong sense of morality never dimmed. Yet, I entered adulthood feeling gagged. Almost muted. We live in an age of unbelievably strong opinions. The idea we must have an opinion on anything, no matter how ill-informed, isn’t one I share. To be able to give your opinion and be confident in it, and open to debate, is a hallmark of self-esteem and self-worth. I am too anxious to give my opinion, for fear it will not be heard. It is also hard to set boundaries and express yourself, when you feel you should always align with whatever the status quo is. I’ve struggled for years with this. It also doesn’t help that my brand of vulnerability is very reactive with some people I know. I recognise that for others their opinion needs to be the dominant one, the correct one. I don’t need to be right per se, I just need to be heard. Unfortunately for other people’s opinions and decisions to take precedence, mine need to be ignored, or ‘not understood’.
I don’t really know where to go from here. I no longer want to be stuck in the loop of grudges, arguing in my head with people who have ignored my voice. It also makes you feel like you’re being ignored all the time when obviously that isn’t the case!
I suppose I should conclude with another adage that ‘every action has an equal and opposite reaction’. To come from a family that was shy and withdrawn, who never expressed how they truly felt and who tried to silence and belittle me. Has, in turn, created a loud, flamboyant and open person, who is able to speak openly about everything, to the point that they can share such a painful, vulnerable part of themselves in an article. Being able is one thing, I want to feel good about it too, I want to feel as though I am heard.
Ultimately, I accept that the issue now lies with me. I need a way to make myself heard, rather than arguing to be heard from those who can’t acknowledge any other viewpoint than their own. I am sure I am not the only one. Has anyone been on this journey and come out the other side? Please tell me how you were able to be heard.
